These Phrases from A Father That Helped Us as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

But the reality quickly proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The simple words "You are not in a good spot. You need assistance. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to discussing the stress on mothers and about PND, less is said about the struggles dads go through.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are symptomatic of a larger inability to communicate among men, who still hold onto damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a show of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a pause - going on a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the expression of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor actions" when younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is coping.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - prioritising you is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their pain, changed how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to guide and direct you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."